Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Too much gin, very little bucket
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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