Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
