thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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