it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
