the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
