I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
