Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
