i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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