I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
My brain says no but my pants say off.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
