Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
