I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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