Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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