Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
