I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
