I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
