If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
