I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
