There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
