We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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