I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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