Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
