A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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