I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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