Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
