everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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