Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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