you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
