for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
