I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
