So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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