all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
did i just pee glitter
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
