When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
