i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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