I bet he comes in French.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Randomize
