in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
