Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
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