i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
