Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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