Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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