Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
