Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
It was confusing and full of hummus
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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