I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
