He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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