I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
