she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
