I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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