Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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