White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
