Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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