So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
